the little runaway

People say i run away, people say i'm running now. However, the only time i officially determined to “run away” from home was when i was in grade school.. i'm not sure exactly which year, maybe third or fourth at the latest, because we still lived in the Anaheim condo when i did it, and we moved from there before i was in fifth. i remember i had a small pink suitcase and i packed it with Pepsi and Hostess ding-dongs.. my dad saw me and asked what i was doing (i wasn't allowed to drink soda usually and was never allowed to help myself to either it or the ding-dongs without explicit permission), so i informed him that i was “running away.” He didn't say anything, and i left. i walked up the street to a nearby neighbors house and proceeded to eat my stolen goods with my friend. A few hours later their phone rang, and a few minutes later my friend's mom came in the room telling me that my dad just called and said it was time to come home. Without a moments hesitation i picked up my, probably then empty, suitcase and ran back home as fast as my legs could carry me, crying with relief.  My dad was awesome, to put it mildly, and he had an intuition about how to handle different situations.. sometimes he was tough, i had definitely been spanked, and sometimes he was sensitive and quiet. In this instance he was quiet, no anger, no lecture, i just walked in and he hugged me, and i think he said something about being glad i was home. i was so wracked with guilt over what i'd done and remember being in such awe that he wasn't mad at me.. he had no condemnation for me, only mercy.  i knew on some deeper level, without an external punishment that i never wanted to do that again.

This particular event stands out so vividly in my mind because it was the first time i remember feeling what i now know was conviction of the Spirit, my conscience smote me severely, i knew what i was doing was wrong. But i kept going.. moving against the tide of regret and remorse already beginning to wash over me. As i walked up the street i wasn't relishing in my new “freedom”, in fact it didn't feel ANYTHING like i expected it to, i felt guilty and ashamed. In theory it had been a thrill, in reality it was horrible; tears sprung to my eyes, and my stomach clenched up in knots and began this dull ache that stayed with me the rest of the afternoon. i ate them, but couldn't really enjoy the treats i'd brought with me because i felt too bad. 

i don't even really remember why i did it that day, nothing happened to instigate it; i had a happy home and loving parents and a fun, stable family that laughed a lot. i had absolutely no reason to do it. i think maybe i'd just heard or read about other kids running away and for some reason the idea sounded exciting or appealing for whatever reason. i had the kind of parents that made you eat dinner with the family, made you go to bed early (like 8pm -growl-) and were really strict about things like TV and junk-food; and i think freedom to corrupt my body and mind at will (though i obviously didn't realize THAT was what the restricted stuff was all about at the time) was likely the prime motivator. 

Thankfully i realized within minutes that i belonged at home. Unlike then, now i have more comprehension (like a tiny glimmer) of what -terrorized, dangerous, degrading sad-  :''((  life is actually like for runaways on the streets (Yah bless them), and i still stand in awe at the unearned and undeserved and largely unappreciated childhood i had. i find myself very grateful for my mom and dad, and the grace of Yah.

dreams

i've decided to start keeping a dream journal again.  this seems like the best place to keep it, and the easiest way to record them since typing is faster than handwriting them out like i used to do.  i may update these entries with interpretations, if i receive any. 

dreams from babylon's 2014/12/18, tZion's 26^th night of the moon:

~ Saw high-school classmates, Liz E. and others.

~ Liz and i got food (she got gigantic slices of pizza) at a to-go counter-type place, she had some small children (her's i think) with her. i took a bite of the pepperoni pizza then realized what i was chewing on and tried to spit it out, even though i did spit it out, i found it still in my mouth. 

~ Used some kind of sword-like implement, swinging it rapidly overhead in a circular motion until it actually began functioning like a helicopter lifting me up off the ground, and i flew. 

~ Darkened room with theater seating, lots of people; facing the back of the room i turned to the left moving down the top row of seats towards what looked like empty seats in the corner, when i got there it turned out they were not all empty, a unknown male sat in the last one, so i sat next to him. We talked. i told him about flying helicopter-like with the sword experience, he was very interested. Later while walking in a crowd somewhere i felt stressed by my lack of friends in the crowd (those i knew seemed to be ignoring me, moving away from me, feelings: rejection, loneliness), when suddenly that same male came up beside me and i felt better. 

shall your brethren go to war, and shall you sit here?

Numbers 32:6  "Shall your brethren go to war, and shall you sit here?"

© Linda Lee

"We have received much by means of the efforts and sufferings of the saints in years gone by, and if we do not make some return to the assembly of Christ by giving her our best energies, we are unworthy to be enrolled in her ranks...  The Master of the vineyard says, "Why do you stand here all the day idle?" What is the idler's excuse? Personal service of Yahushua becomes all the more the duty of all because it is cheerfully and abundantly rendered by some. The toils of devoted missionaries and fervent ministers shame us if we sit still in indolence. Shrinking from trial is the temptation of those who are at ease in tZion: they would fain escape the cross and yet wear the crown...  If the most precious are tried in the fire, are we to escape the crucible?  If the diamond must be vexed upon the wheel, are we to be made perfect without suffering?  Who has commanded the wind to cease from blowing because our ship is in deep waters?  Why and what fore should we be treated better than our Master?  The Firstborn felt the rod, and why not the younger brethren?  It is a cowardly pride which would choose a feather pillow and silk sheets for a soldier of the cross.  Wiser by far are they who, being first resigned to the divine will, grow by the energy of grace to be pleased with it." 

A message from Charles Spurgeon.
(Adapted and modernized for today's reader.) 

~ ~ ~

i sense the necessity of unpacking the context of "idle" to expose utter busy-ness as well, which sounds like a contradiction in terms, but i am convinced the main premise is idleness in the business of the Kingdom, not general laziness.  i think far to many in the congregations of America and elsewhere would comfort themselves with the fact they are busy doing "churchie" type activities every week (potlucks, book clubs, fundraisers, filling shoeboxes, special events, parties, concerts, church "services"--where no real service happens, sponsoring a two-thirds-world disadvantaged child, etc.), and that somehow excuses their lack of honestly sacrificing themselves entirely to do the Father's will instead of the countless traditions of their own devising and will. 

i pray for strong conviction leading to repentance for all those waving the banner of Messiah in word and form, but not in true self-denial and sacrifice.  i pray we fast from anything, however lawful, that may be hindering us from clearly hearing His voice or laying ourselves down on the altar in every area.  i pray for the spirit of revelation to reveal to those desiring more of Him, what, like the rich young ruler, they need to do gain the heavenly treasure, a most amazing relationship with the Creator.   

Glory to Yah.
Shalom and love in His service.

♥

Disclaimer:  i do not agree with Charles Spurgeon doctrinally on many points, nor do i support his generally Augustinian/Calvinistic/Reformed positions or teachings in that respect; however, i do believe he was of the same Spirit Who has shed more light for our day.  It is said by their fruit we would know them, and brother Spurgeon's work witnesses of his love and dedication to the Father of lights and of his service to the Messiah and His people within the scope of his limited knowledge, ability and influence.  Glory to Yah.

the outer relfection of the inner heart's cries

"In a perverse way i was glad for the stitches, glad it would show, that there would be scars.  What was the point in just hurting on the inside?  I though of the girl with the scar tattoos... She was right, it should bloody well show."  -Janet Fitch, White Oleander

 A young girl i'll call LittleRose injured her thumb.  The injury was minor, no more than a bruise.. but for some reason she felt compelled to wrap up her entire hand and wrist with a large bandage, layered so thick round about her limb, that it appeared the problem (?) was much worse.  

     Observing this behavior, what seemed an obvious cry for attention, i was reminded of my own childhood, when i wanted so much to become sick or injured.. i remember eyeing my classmates plaster-casts with a mild envy.  i didn't want a broken bone so badly that i was willing to go out of my way to get one, and to this day now in my 30's i've still never had one (and thankfully no longer want one!).   i did, however, occasionally "suffer" sprains.. basically milking them for all they were worth --bring on the wrappings, crutches, and exaggerated limp--.   i was inwardly thrilled when i saw some part of my extremity swollen and discolored; and though i often abhorred school i didn't want to stay home during those times-- i wanted to parade around!  Only somewhat annoyed the injury wasn't more severe, that i might have a cast.



my scar

   Eventually i grew out of that, after dabbling slightly with violent self-harm (usually called "cutting" i think) for which i have a whooping two scars (that's why i said slightly), of which only one remains fairly visible today.   i specify "violent" self-harm because i did get into plenty of other more passive forms of self-harm (like alcoholism, tobacco and drugs to name the main games i lost at for years).   It would be a long list if i tried to account for all the ways and behaviors i see in hindsight were various cries for attention. 




photo credit: unknown

   As i write this, barefoot and sweating in the mid-west summer humidity, the car parked to the side of me is a flashy Ford Mustang.. bright red with racing stripes and all the extra bells and whistles, aftermarket wheels and grills.. and it's really nothing more than an expensive cry for attention.  



© Joern Sackermann

   Looking around it's easy to see lots of people, young and old, silently crying for attention in some form or another, for some reason or another.  

   Meditating on my own past i see more clearly now what was going on then.. i was so painfully broken on the inside, subconsciously my soul wanted that brokenness, that hidden reality, reflected on the outside.  Somewhere, something in my immature mind knew i needed help; and that part of me was silently crying out.  i couldn't understand the language at the time, and i'm only just beginning to now: the outward signs of a spirit that's crying, "look at me, help me, i'm dying." 



photo credit: unknown

   There's a lot more that could be said about this subject.  There's a lot more i want to say, though i'm thinking this is enough for now.  i feel it's important to keep these posts/blog entries/whatever you want to call them, on the shorter side, if possible.  Most likely i'll be revisiting what has been started here in the future, sharing more about my own personal experiences finally facing the inner darkness where the demons dwelt, and my deliverance from the torment, and process of healing. 

Until then.. Glory to Yah

Shalom.


"...i waited patiently for Yahuah to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as i walked along.  He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our Alahim. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in Yahuah."

Psalm 40:1-3



fried ants

One day when i was a young child, i had an experience that taught me something that remains relevant even to this day.  It was one of those moments of revelation about a fundamental and profound principle of existence that roots itself firmly in the essence of consciousness..  where its lesson extends, rippling through time, touching all future behavior.  

 

It was a warm day good for playing in the backyard, which we often did while at my grandparents house.  For some reason my dad got the idea to bring outside the large magnifying glass my Nana kept on her kitchen countertop for reading mail or the newspaper.   Curious, i watched with fascination as he used the sun, angled carefully through the glass, to make a fiery pinpoint of smoldering dirt on the ground.  Poof! a crinkly dried leaf when up in a brief smoky flash of flame and turned to ash.. then he started chasing a nearby ant on its way somewhere.. poof! the ant smoked and burned for a second or two, and was gone. 

 

i remember being pretty interested at this point, when he handed me the magnifying glass.  Concentrating, i lowered and raised the glass up and down adjusting the angle ever so slightly this way and that, practicing a bit until i too got the circular beam of sunlight to shrink into it's red-hot burning pinpoint.  Soon i was able to hold the point steady and i started chasing another nearby ant with it, halting him in his final scramble, watching him succumb, curl up and burn.  It only took a couple of seconds, and i could smell the faintest hint of burned something in the air.

 

Instantly a sick feeling rose in the pit of my stomach.  Despite the fact i was shown how to do this by my dad, in whom i found safety, and my authority figure, i knew without a trace of doubt that what i had just done was somehow wrong.  A new sense of justice was awakened and i knew in the deepest part of my being that torturing anything, even a little ant, was wrong.  It wasn't as fun as it had looked;  i hated it, i never wanted to and never did it again. 

 

i understand some may say that putting out an ant trap and letting the critters take poison back to their nests so they and all their relatives can die a slow, possibly painful, death is no different.. but i think there is something different about it.  Not so much a physical difference as a spiritual one.  Using the magnifying glass and zeroing in on the little guy as it frantically tried to escape the burning was a form of torture, and it was for entertainment, for a sheer demonstration of power over something, because i was bigger and i could.   

 

image credit: Aideon

Can it be fathomed a young immature child is more righteous, more compassionate or more benevolent than the Creator of life, the universe and everything??  If people would stop to reason with the Source of their being for a moment they'd realize that the only way we could possibly have a sense of justice, mercy, right or wrong, is because we were given them; and we could only be given them from One who had them first.  It doesn't take much logic to understand one cannot give what one does not have.  If you hand someone a dollar, it was possible because you had the dollar.   Simple.

 

The idea that the Creator will keep some of His creatures alive (conscious) for all eternity (endless time) in a place of agony and fiery torture, to endure infinite punishing for a finite life where they refused to love Him, is insanity at its core.   

 

surprise. is it i?

When Y'shua told the disciples that one of them would betray Him, they had no idea who He was talking about.  Did any of them secretly suspect Judas?  Possibly, but it seems to indicate otherwise by recording their dismayed questions of, Who Master? ..is it i? 

photo credit: boko great

These guys spent a lot of time together --we're talking an eat, sleep and crap together kind of relationship-- except for when they were sent out on preaching missions, it appears they were a tight bunch for the few years of Messiah's ministry leading up to the crucifixion.   But they, just days and even hours before the event, still didn't suspect Judas of being an enemy in their midst.  There seems to be no confused whispers of, Why is He keeping that creep Judas around?!  Can't He see his true colors?! 

No; outwardly Judas had them, and maybe even himself, fooled.

Deception is a scary thing, because it's impossible for the deceived to even detect it's presence.  Only Abba-Yah knows what Judas actually thought he was doing.. regardless of the reasoning in his mind, pride certainly got the best of him.   We know from the record that Judas regretted his decision (Matt 27:3); that he testified of Yahushua's innocence (Matt 27:4); that he wasn't blood-thirsty, and never wanted His death.. all that leads me to believe whatever was going on in Judas' head was a lot more complex than the text delves into. 

This surprise revelation of Judas' character illustrates why Messiah warns us in a parable not to try to identify and eliminate perceived enemy plants, or tares.  The identity of the tares might not be recognizable in the dim view the present time gives us.   Someone we could inwardly think may turn out to be a tare, just might be a hundred-fold bearing stalk of wheat when finally matured.  And conversely, another we would never question in the least of being a saint, can suddenly in the last hour surprise us, like Judas.


photo credit: spotter12

Who Master? ..is it i? 

Some may be conscious they are living a lie, but most who are, i suspect, will be surprised by the revelation.   And in that day there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.





Cross References:

"... I know your works, that you have a name that you live, but you are dead" (Rev 3:1).

mental constipation

photo credit: Daniella Koontz

Babies cry usually because they have some sort of need to express but cannot communicate it. i've thought a lot recently about how i feel like that baby unable to speak of what is going on inside.. only i think it's more frustrating now because i have a language, i have a vocabulary, i actually know how to talk; so why is it so hard to get the thoughts and ideas in my head out my mouth?? Language fails me, my vocabulary falls short; communication is HARD. Sometimes talking to someone who speaks the same language feels like we may as well be from different planets, sure we can understand the words being said, but there is still no communication happening! i'll encounter something that in my spirit i know is wrong but i can't for the life of me explain why. i talk to Yah and end up in tears, having so much in my heart that desires to get out but lacking the ability to put it into words. i ask Him, i admit i've even screamed it, WHY CAN'T i COMMUNICATE? It's like having mental constipation where that which is in is stuck though it wants, it yearns, it needs to get out. Help Yah, O please help me.

salted with fire

"For everyone shall be salted with fire..." (Mark 9:49). 

Yahushua makes this statement while warning about hell fire. 

Verses like this are easy to read, yet not understand.  Easy to see, yet not perceive.. and so often result in one skipping over it and continuing on while it fades into the background, though it stands there beckoning.

These passages need to be unlocked.  If they're not opened up we can pass by them, hardly noticing.  Such a seemingly small verse, once unlocked, opens up like a portal into a vast new world of understanding.

♥

Yah our Creator and Abba is a holy Spirit, many times He appears as a consuming fire.. the following video sheds some much needed light on this theme of fire woven throughout scripture. 

Prophetic picture in Numbers 32:11-12

Verse:

Numbers 32:11-12

“Surely none of the men that came up out of Egypt... shall see the land which I sware... because they have not wholly followed Me: Save Caleb... and Joshua... for they have wholly followed Yahuah.”

Revelation:

Outwardly people were following/obeying Yah, but inwardly their hearts were not with Him, and this ultimately would cost them their place in the Kingdom/Promised Land/Paradise.

 

Parallels:

Matt 25:1-13 ~ the parable of the ten virgins
Matt 13:24-30 ~ the parable of the wheat and tares
Matt 7:22-23 ~ the workers of iniquity who did mighty works in His name


The above mentioned parables parallel the revelation in Numbers 32:11-12, in that they depict a people who outwardly appear to be christians, believers in Truth, and followers of the Way. These people have outward signs of conversion, and their works give an appearance of a status that does not match the true state of the secret inner workings of their hearts. Inwardly these people are not truly following Yah, and despite the show they put on, eventually they will be unmasked.

 

Conclusion:

May we take heed, for outward obedience is not enough. It is possible to look very much like we are following the Messiah, when in fact our hearts are far from Him. Not everyone who obeys/follows after Yah will enter into His Kingdom, but like Caleb and Joshua only they who obey/follow in both their outward and inward lives will enter in.

Cross References:

"... I know your works, that you have a name that you live, but you are dead" (Rev 3:1).