the little runaway

People say i run away, people say i'm running now. However, the only time i officially determined to “run away” from home was when i was in grade school.. i'm not sure exactly which year, maybe third or fourth at the latest, because we still lived in the Anaheim condo when i did it, and we moved from there before i was in fifth. i remember i had a small pink suitcase and i packed it with Pepsi and Hostess ding-dongs.. my dad saw me and asked what i was doing (i wasn't allowed to drink soda usually and was never allowed to help myself to either it or the ding-dongs without explicit permission), so i informed him that i was “running away.” He didn't say anything, and i left. i walked up the street to a nearby neighbors house and proceeded to eat my stolen goods with my friend. A few hours later their phone rang, and a few minutes later my friend's mom came in the room telling me that my dad just called and said it was time to come home. Without a moments hesitation i picked up my, probably then empty, suitcase and ran back home as fast as my legs could carry me, crying with relief.  My dad was awesome, to put it mildly, and he had an intuition about how to handle different situations.. sometimes he was tough, i had definitely been spanked, and sometimes he was sensitive and quiet. In this instance he was quiet, no anger, no lecture, i just walked in and he hugged me, and i think he said something about being glad i was home. i was so wracked with guilt over what i'd done and remember being in such awe that he wasn't mad at me.. he had no condemnation for me, only mercy.  i knew on some deeper level, without an external punishment that i never wanted to do that again.

This particular event stands out so vividly in my mind because it was the first time i remember feeling what i now know was conviction of the Spirit, my conscience smote me severely, i knew what i was doing was wrong. But i kept going.. moving against the tide of regret and remorse already beginning to wash over me. As i walked up the street i wasn't relishing in my new “freedom”, in fact it didn't feel ANYTHING like i expected it to, i felt guilty and ashamed. In theory it had been a thrill, in reality it was horrible; tears sprung to my eyes, and my stomach clenched up in knots and began this dull ache that stayed with me the rest of the afternoon. i ate them, but couldn't really enjoy the treats i'd brought with me because i felt too bad. 

i don't even really remember why i did it that day, nothing happened to instigate it; i had a happy home and loving parents and a fun, stable family that laughed a lot. i had absolutely no reason to do it. i think maybe i'd just heard or read about other kids running away and for some reason the idea sounded exciting or appealing for whatever reason. i had the kind of parents that made you eat dinner with the family, made you go to bed early (like 8pm -growl-) and were really strict about things like TV and junk-food; and i think freedom to corrupt my body and mind at will (though i obviously didn't realize THAT was what the restricted stuff was all about at the time) was likely the prime motivator. 

Thankfully i realized within minutes that i belonged at home. Unlike then, now i have more comprehension (like a tiny glimmer) of what -terrorized, dangerous, degrading sad-  :''((  life is actually like for runaways on the streets (Yah bless them), and i still stand in awe at the unearned and undeserved and largely unappreciated childhood i had. i find myself very grateful for my mom and dad, and the grace of Yah.

dreams

i've decided to start keeping a dream journal again.  this seems like the best place to keep it, and the easiest way to record them since typing is faster than handwriting them out like i used to do.  i may update these entries with interpretations, if i receive any. 

dreams from babylon's 2014/12/18, tZion's 26^th night of the moon:

~ Saw high-school classmates, Liz E. and others.

~ Liz and i got food (she got gigantic slices of pizza) at a to-go counter-type place, she had some small children (her's i think) with her. i took a bite of the pepperoni pizza then realized what i was chewing on and tried to spit it out, even though i did spit it out, i found it still in my mouth. 

~ Used some kind of sword-like implement, swinging it rapidly overhead in a circular motion until it actually began functioning like a helicopter lifting me up off the ground, and i flew. 

~ Darkened room with theater seating, lots of people; facing the back of the room i turned to the left moving down the top row of seats towards what looked like empty seats in the corner, when i got there it turned out they were not all empty, a unknown male sat in the last one, so i sat next to him. We talked. i told him about flying helicopter-like with the sword experience, he was very interested. Later while walking in a crowd somewhere i felt stressed by my lack of friends in the crowd (those i knew seemed to be ignoring me, moving away from me, feelings: rejection, loneliness), when suddenly that same male came up beside me and i felt better. 

shall your brethren go to war, and shall you sit here?

Numbers 32:6  "Shall your brethren go to war, and shall you sit here?"

© Linda Lee

"We have received much by means of the efforts and sufferings of the saints in years gone by, and if we do not make some return to the assembly of Christ by giving her our best energies, we are unworthy to be enrolled in her ranks...  The Master of the vineyard says, "Why do you stand here all the day idle?" What is the idler's excuse? Personal service of Yahushua becomes all the more the duty of all because it is cheerfully and abundantly rendered by some. The toils of devoted missionaries and fervent ministers shame us if we sit still in indolence. Shrinking from trial is the temptation of those who are at ease in tZion: they would fain escape the cross and yet wear the crown...  If the most precious are tried in the fire, are we to escape the crucible?  If the diamond must be vexed upon the wheel, are we to be made perfect without suffering?  Who has commanded the wind to cease from blowing because our ship is in deep waters?  Why and what fore should we be treated better than our Master?  The Firstborn felt the rod, and why not the younger brethren?  It is a cowardly pride which would choose a feather pillow and silk sheets for a soldier of the cross.  Wiser by far are they who, being first resigned to the divine will, grow by the energy of grace to be pleased with it." 

A message from Charles Spurgeon.
(Adapted and modernized for today's reader.) 

~ ~ ~

i sense the necessity of unpacking the context of "idle" to expose utter busy-ness as well, which sounds like a contradiction in terms, but i am convinced the main premise is idleness in the business of the Kingdom, not general laziness.  i think far to many in the congregations of America and elsewhere would comfort themselves with the fact they are busy doing "churchie" type activities every week (potlucks, book clubs, fundraisers, filling shoeboxes, special events, parties, concerts, church "services"--where no real service happens, sponsoring a two-thirds-world disadvantaged child, etc.), and that somehow excuses their lack of honestly sacrificing themselves entirely to do the Father's will instead of the countless traditions of their own devising and will. 

i pray for strong conviction leading to repentance for all those waving the banner of Messiah in word and form, but not in true self-denial and sacrifice.  i pray we fast from anything, however lawful, that may be hindering us from clearly hearing His voice or laying ourselves down on the altar in every area.  i pray for the spirit of revelation to reveal to those desiring more of Him, what, like the rich young ruler, they need to do gain the heavenly treasure, a most amazing relationship with the Creator.   

Glory to Yah.
Shalom and love in His service.

♥

Disclaimer:  i do not agree with Charles Spurgeon doctrinally on many points, nor do i support his generally Augustinian/Calvinistic/Reformed positions or teachings in that respect; however, i do believe he was of the same Spirit Who has shed more light for our day.  It is said by their fruit we would know them, and brother Spurgeon's work witnesses of his love and dedication to the Father of lights and of his service to the Messiah and His people within the scope of his limited knowledge, ability and influence.  Glory to Yah.